there were times
               late at night
when I needed you

                              just an arm’s length
               away & so far gone

for fear of waking
               I crept away
& walked home & sat
a decapitant
                        on a metal bench
outside the converted church

                              where could I go
               then for my conversions

                              where could I rest
               heavy hands & long
                              for the cool breath
               of the holy

in the rain suddenly
               false teeth retching
cigarette smoke

                              I pretend not to smoke
               sometimes
                              I barely pretend
               to breathe

took heroin last night
               the first time
in years I think
I’ve forgotten how
               to be high
forgotten how to
be an addict

I bought red wine
from a 24/7 & left it
sitting beside my bed
               I can open it anytime
I only need to need
a corkscrew
more than I need to sleep